Why is it that we put so much emphasis on weddings and not birthdays? We have huge celebrations for the joining of two lives together but not usually for an individual living their life yet another year and celebrating how far they have come. We celebrate birthdays but not to the extent of the way we do with weddings.

I have never got the chance to share my life with a significant other and celebrate with a wedding. Because I was going to turn 40 I thought it would be a great time to celebrate big. Celebrate me! A big celebration, just like a wedding, but without the groom.

I started planning my 40th birthday 7 months in advance. Wanting to get the right venue, food, decorations, goodies, all of it. I found a perfect wedding venue in Paradise Valley, MT which is about 60 miles from where I live, Bozeman, MT. The venue space itself was a big Barn with perfect views of the mountains in the background. This place also had two big houses and multiple cabins on the property. There was even a hot tub which is a must for March weather in MT. When I inquired about having my birthday at the venue the cost of the venue space itself for dinner was way more then what I could afford. But I still wanted to book the accommodations on the property because of the location and size of rental to accommodate everyone. After speaking with my best friend Jen, we decided to book both houses on the property. Other friends who were not wanting to share had the option to book their own small cabins next to the houses. The hardest part was done. Finding a place that could accommodate more than 20 people is difficult. As I sent out the invites and plans for my big birthday party, my friends jumped on the opportunity and also booked private cabins on the property. There was a total of 30 people who were coming so far. This was coming together.

A month later I got an e-mail stating that my reservation had been cancelled due to someone else booking a wedding that weekend. Nowhere in the policy did it say anything about my reservation could be cancelled because of a wedding. I understand that weddings would possibly bring more money, but I had already booked the property and paid the deposit as well as multiple friends. I contacted the owner by phone and email but never got a response from him. I was able to speak to the girl who helped with my reservations and I she stated unkindly “I’m sure there is a hotel in Livingston that will have plenty of room for you all,”

Grrr.. Why?? Why does this wedding get the opportunity when I booked first?

Deep Breath Erica, let this go and look for another place. My birthday was going to amazing! Best one yet! Biggest celebration! I wasn’t going to let this stop me from it being that way.

I frantically searched for weeks and eventually found two vrbo houses in the valley that were close to each other that also allowed parties/events. The main house had a big “game room” or garage with a small bar and plenty of room. The views from both houses were amazing! These houses were in a rural area and the nearest town was Livingston. MT about 23 miles away. The plan was to have friends and family stay at the houses for two nights and then have a big birthday dinner/dancing in town at a venue. Live music, catered dinner, toasts, party bus to get us there, ect. Think wedding. The perfect wedding! Only this was a wedding without the groom. I needed my “bridesmaids” to help with all the planning and coordinating of it all. I gave 3 of my closet friend’s small wine tumblers with their names on them and a poem asking them to be part of my squad. 40 AF squad because I was turning 40 AF.

I rented the ballroom at the Shane Lalani Center of the Arts in Livingston. I found a girl to play her guitar and sing. I had listened to her music over the summer at Farmers Market and really enjoyed her vibe so that’s why I chose her. I called 22 catering companies trying to find someone that was within my budget of what I wanted to spend. Most cater companies wouldn’t even talk about menu options because my budget was so low. After researching and talking with so many different catering companies I chose to hire Chefs Table. He was slightly over my budget, but his food options sounded great. Brisket, Salmon, roasted potatoes, salad, and steamed veggies. I had to cut drinks and desserts to make it affordable. I rented a party bus to get everyone from the houses and bring us to the event so nobody was drinking and driving. There were 22 people staying at the two houses and another 20 invited to the dinner that were coming over from Bozeman. I had 45 people confirmed. Half of us came on the bus and the other half were friends/coworkers who drove over from Bozeman.

I had so many friends who traveled to come celebrate with me. Friends from AZ, Idaho, Massachusetts, Utah. I hadn’t seen some of these friends for 6-7 years, but we never skipped a beat, and it seemed like yesterday when I saw them last.

Friday night was full of games, cocktails, laughs, smiles, hugs, so much joy. The next morning about 10 of us went to an early morning Yoga class and the focus was on gratitude. As I lay there, I remember thinking how thankful I am for my friends and so excited for that night because my birthday dinner was going to be perfect. I was so thankful to be living another year with the people I love around me, supporting me.

After breakfast I got a text message from the singer that I hired stating she was sick and not going to be able to make it to my Bday celebration. She gave me another person’s name, but I was unable to get ahold of him. I started to panic but everyone assured me that we didn’t need live music to enjoy the night. If I really wanted music, we could always hook up someone’s phone if we needed to.

During the day everyone did their own thing and I chose to go the hot springs with a couple others. I left my girlfriend who was staying at the house with a phone number to keep trying to get ahold of the different singer so I would have live music. I was stressing about not having anyone for music the whole time while soaking in the hot springs. On the way back to the vrbo I got a message stating that the singer was a go! YES!!! I am so glad! Just crossing my fingers, that he was just as good of a singer as the one I previously had lined up.

As I got back to the house my old roommate and his girlfriend were there. My old roommate can be very tense and unkind. I think he drinks too much and has a problem with alcohol. He can be a belligerent drunk. I was hesitant to invite him from the beginning, but I really like his girlfriend, she is so nice and has good positive energy. I wanted to make her feel welcome but didn’t care for him to be there. When they got to the house they were both calm and relaxed looking forward to a fun night.

We all got ready and dressed up in our cocktail, glitter attire. My dress was black sequence, and I wore a gold jacket over it but also had a white fur light up vest for later in the evening. All the girls looked so beautiful in their sparkling dresses with curled hair and makeup. The guys were handsome in collared shirts and jackets. I was thrilled that one of my close guy friends from Utah even wore a tuxedo! Ahh!! We were on our way to the big event that I had been planning for so long.

We met the bus at the bottom of the hill in a big parking area since he was unable to make it to the houses to pick us up due to snow. We all got on the bus, music turned up and drinks in hand. We made our way to the venue and all of us were smiling. As we are making our way, I get a phone call from the manager of the venue. “ Hello! Umm Hi Erica, there has been an explosion.” “A what?” I said. “There has been an explosion in the building but no worries, it didn’t affect the ballroom. Your friends couldn’t get into the ballroom early to set things up. Just be aware that there are a lot of people outside. Everything should be fine but just letting you know.” What??! Oh no! The room isn’t set up! I am going to have to set things up when I get there. No worries, Erica, Breathe. As I describe this to some of my friends on the bus, they aren’t too surprised as things just tend to happen to me. When we got there, I walked in and panicked running around setting up the photo booth props, center pieces, sign in guest sheet, ect. People are also coming in trying to get my attention, but I am so focused on getting things set up I tend to blow them off. Looking back on it now, I feel bad I didn’t take time to stop and just say hello or stop and just breathe. The wine is in the back, everything labeled and set out. Champagne bottles, homemade cotton candy glitter bombs, take home wine openers and Hershey kisses are set out on each table. I look up at the buffet table and notice its empty. Dinner was supposed to be at 6:30 and it was exactly that time. Where is the Caterer? Maybe he’s running late. My two girlfriends have not seen or heard from him. I called and text him. His voicemail says, “not accepting calls at this time.” At this point I am overwhelmed, and I go into the bathroom, lock myself in the stall and start crying. My two best girlfriends come into the bathroom and try to calm me down as I am a frantic mess!! “What the fuck?” “Why?!” “The caterer isn’t here and he’s not answering my calls or texts.” At this point I am unable to breathe, I am hysterical! “Go out and enjoy your party Erica, don’t worry about anything.” This was hard as I felt like my whole party was continuing to go downhill. But: I walk out of the bathroom. My eyes are red full of tears and my nose running. I really enjoyed all the wonderful friends who are there. I am overwhelmed with emotion but there are so many wonderful friends there to celebrate with me. My wonderful friend starts the toasts with a wonderful heartfelt speech. Now I really am crying. Her toast was followed by six others who shared how much I meant to them. It was so wonderful to hear the positive uplifting things they had to say. I sure love my friends. The toast was followed by lighting the candles and singing Happy Birthday. But is it happy?? NO fuck no, I did not feel happy. A friend comes up to me and asks if it’s okay if she goes to the liquor store to get some shooters. I was very hesitant because I didn’t want my party to be that way. But: I gave in and said it was okay. At that point I was like “fuck it all! Let’s have some shots and be happy.” Was Liquor really going to make me feel happy about my celebration? Deep down in my gut I wasn’t feeling that way. I couldn’t really tell you what I was feeling.

My friends pulled through and ordered pizza and bbq. I didn’t eat anything, as I had already had my share of tequila shots. I was also busy making my rounds to each table. There were so many friends and coworkers there it was hard to spend quality time talking with all of them. I took full advantage of the photo booth and danced with bare feet kicking my sparkling shoes to the side. My boyfriend even swing danced with me. I remember all of it but after the food came is where is gets hazy. I had way too much to drink and was still distraught. My party seemed ruined. With a smile on my face you would never know what I had just been through. The bus came around 9pm to pick us up and take us back to the parking area where our cars were. It seemed like everyone was just grabbing things off the tables and taking it on the bus. This wasn’t my intension, and I did not do a very good job communicating this. I had friends there to help with the cleanup. Oh well, everything came on the bus with us, including the left over bbq. We made one stop at a local bar and I continued taking shots, which I obviously didn’t need. After riding the bus and dancing on it we made it to the parking lot where our cars were. As people were taking boxes off the bus one of the boxes wouldn’t fit through the door so they started taking things out of the box one by one. My previous roommate got impatient and shoved through everyone and aggressively pushed the box outside the door. Bbq, cupcakes and some of my gifts scattered everywhere on the ground. One of my gal friends getting off the bus confronted him, “What the fuck man?” He then got in her face with his finger and said, “What the fuck are you going to do about it!?” That did not make other people happy. As everyone tried to ignore the ignorance of this guy and get into their cars my other guy friend was left to ride back in the vehicle with the one that started the chaos. Well that didn’t seem to go well and got out of the vehicle and started walking down the middle of the highway as if he was trying to get killed. My friend grabbed him to prevent him from getting himself killed on the highway and they both struggled to the ground. Back at the house we were all continuing to drink and play games. Two of my gal friends who were sober came into the house in a panic! They said that two of the friends had gotten into a fight and one of them was still down at the bottom of the hill walking. All the guys got in the car and went to get him. One of my friends and I were in the bathroom when I heard the angry guy come in huffing, puffing, and cursing. He was slamming doors and hitting his fist against the walls. I asked my gal friend if she would please ask him to leave as he is no longer invited. She told his girlfriend and him to both leave as they were no longer welcome. They left just as the guys pulled in the driveway. My friend was bruised and also had a black eye. Holy Shit! What the hell just happened and why? I felt terrible for him and was disgusted that I would even invite someone like that to my birthday. But somehow I didn’t go with my gut feeling and invited him thinking it would be okay. What a crazy event and now this? It was really late at this point and the night needed to end. As we all got settled and ready for bed my bff had gone into the house from the party garage area and saw a car pull up in the driveway. At first she thought it was my previous roommate coming back to start a fight again. “What the hell? Here we go!” But, it wasn’t him. This bald guy looking about in his 50’s, full of rage gets out of the car and said he was an uber driver looking for my friend. He followed my bff into the house and then started to ask aggressively “Where the fuck is so and so?”

This guy opened the garage door to where most people were still up drinking cocktails and starting yelling “Where the fuck is she?” “She is in distress, where the fuck is she?” My boyfriend and the other guys were not about to let this stranger with bear spray in his back pocket hurt anyone or cause more chaos to the night. They all yelled at him to leave and the yelling back and forth continued out the door to the parking lot. From inside I could hear so much yelling! Nobody would let me out of the garage as I was trying to because I was so upset at this person. The girls tried to assure me that it will be okay and to let the guys handle it. This stranger also had his 16-year-old son sitting in the car watching the whole thing.

I eventually made it outside and this guy tried to introduce himself as I would not let him have any words. I yelled “Get the fuck out of here!” This guy was one of my friends boyfriend. He drove over 45 miles in the middle of the night to come get her. I looked at my gal friend and she had no idea who he was or why he was even there. She had been heavily drinking along with all of us. After more chaos and exchanging of words and threats, he eventually left and my gal friend stayed. Thank goodness he chose to leave and no fights happened and he didn’t use his bear spray.

I went inside the house and was once again distraught. My big birthday party was NOT perfect. It was full of chaos and a drunken blur. I was so full of anger and sadness, I eventually laid down in the bed and went to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I started sobbing. Did I dream everything that happened? Why the hell does it always seem like crazy shit happens to me?” I wanted this to be the biggest celebration of my life thus far and it wasn’t. Why is there’s always something in my life.

There’s always something…….Something in the universe trying to test me, bring me down. My perfect 40 year old birthday was not perfect the way I wanted it to be. But life isn’t perfect, and it never will be.  Regardless of the letdowns, I choose to pull myself up and still smile about my life today. I’ll tell you right now, it is not easy, and I do struggle daily. But I genuinely love my life and wouldn’t change it.

The loss, trauma, recent loves, experiences, and the stories that come from my life are what has brought me here today. Writing, sharing my life story, hoping this becomes my healing process. At times I wonder how I can still manage to find kindness and love in this world when it seems like the odds are always against me.

 My friends no longer rerefer to it as murphy’s law, but Erica’s law. My grandma states it perfectly when she says “Oh Erica, if it’s going to happen, it most likely will happen to you!” This is my story…….

March 11, 1983

Happy “Birth” day Erica Eileen Gerard!

We are so glad you are here with us and you are fine and healthy. I wanted you to be born on the 10th Great grandpa Wallis birthday and you only missed by nine hours. But we are glad you came today. Dad knew you would-he said so before we went to bed last night. I’ve been ready for several days. You are such a sweet, clean, special spirit from our Heavenly Father. I feel privileged to have you in our home! You have a sister, Letitia (over 2) who has been so anxious for a little teeny baby at our house. You have a sweet brother James who is 16 months and growing so fast. I started labor about 1 am this morning so I took a bath, packed the kids things and the rest of mine. Then woke up your good Dad. He gave me a very special blessing to give me strength and have Heavenly Father’s spirit.

We got to the hospital at 3:10am and they admitted me. Contractions were 5 minutes apart and pretty hard. I dilated up to 8 cm then we discovered your face was turned the wrong way for the best delivery. I pushed to soon causing swelling, so we stayed at 8-9 cm for nearly 2-3 hours. That was the hardest part for me. I was feeling like you would never be born! But Dad helped so much to keep calm and I didn’t take any medications. The Dr numbed me some to get me dilated all the way so you could be born. You finally came after lots and lots of pushing. As your head came out the umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck and shoulders which prevented you from coming out. Dr Becker had to push you back to get it unwrapped. I could see your little head turning blue. Dad was really scared. But all turned out well and healthy! My back hurt me a lot because you were turned wrong-but you did turn around correctly and it was good to be over. They put you right upon my tummy and oh you are so sweet. There are about 10 babies here in the nursery and you are the biggest 8lbs.14oz. You are 21 inches long and born at 9:15 am today. We love you so much Erica!